The Experiment - Day 11

It's day 11 of The Experiment where my daughter Rebecca assigns tasks I must complete.

Today, I feel like a kid who wants to go to school, but can't due to severe weather. Rebecca did not make me a task list today.

I want to be disappointed, but I know that's unreasonable. It's a lot to ask for a 10-year-old girl to come up with a list of tasks for me to do each and every day - for 30 days! Rebecca chooses to make the lists in the morning, when she only has 45 minutes to prepare herself for school - that's pretty challenging for her. I'm hoping to convince her to start preparing her list the night before.

If this ceases to be fun for her and becomes an element of stress in her life, I don't want to press Rebecca to continue. Still, I hope she will. I need this, and today I miss her guidance and her whimsical illustrations.

In the absence of a new task list, I have decided to revisit the first 10 days' tasks and reassign myself the two tasks I failed to complete, and continue one of yesterday's tasks:

1. Take a mile-long walk. I hope I can do this. It seems like every other day on this crazy diet is a detox day, and today is that day. Yeesh.
2. Doodle. OK, I know I can do this, so long as I do it earlier than later.
3. Send more queries to literary agents. The first one's been sent; each one will get easier.

Yesterday's tasks went well. I sent out my first query letter to a literary agent. The way I look at it, the agent who will say "yes" is at the end of a long road paved with "no"s. I must travel down that "no"-filled road to arrive at my destination. It's simply part of the process, and I hope not to take the rejections personally.

I just found an inspirational and fun illustration on the blog "The Art of Non-Conformity" regarding "Fear and the Art of Creation". At the bottom, it says, "There is no creativity without risk." If my quest for a literary agent ever gets me down, I'll remind myself to look at this illustration.

I played my fiddle for well over 30 consecutive minutes. I even used a metronome, which helps solidify my rhythm on some of the more crooked tunes I play. It felt like a concerted effort.

And I meditated for 25 minutes. I'll do that again today, too. And I've already written in my gratitude journal. If I complete everything, it will be a 5-task day, the most so far! However, I'm having a hard time seeing that as a sense of accomplishment right now.

Yesterday was a very difficult day for our entire family. Though I completed my tasks and some paying work, I felt like I had to force myself through all of it while wishing I could find some escape.

Meanwhile, Beth had a very busy day, and while preparing an elaborate meal for us, two bowls fell out of the cabinet above her work surface. The bowls shattered, contaminating part of the meal she had worked so hard to create. She became very upset, Rebecca reacted poorly, and I was upset that everybody else was upset. Dinner was tense.

Beth is working tirelessly in the kitchen to encourage me to stick to this GAPS Diet and heal my innards. The diet requires lots of cooking from scratch and being inventive with the short list of foods it allows. On the diet, I deal with lots of detoxing days when I don't feel my best, so Beth is handling most - if not all - of the cooking. I appreciate her immensely, but don't always remember to express it. Last night, Beth felt overburdened and unsupported. The kitchen catastrophe was the last straw for her.

As I was washing dishes after dinner, Beth's frustration ebbed. But I had become very depressed, chiding myself for being too weak, needy and burdensome to those around me. I am working so hard to crawl out of the physical and emotional morass that inhibits my progress - The Experiment is one of the ways I am trying to improve myself - but today, it feels like one more stressful burden.

I feel like I'm not up to the task of being a good mate, a good father, a better person. I yearn to escape to a world where nobody expects anything of me. Given an Experiment of this sort, I suppose downhearted days like this are inevitable. I'm stirring stuff up, that's for sure.

Right now, the thought that keeps me going is that somewhere in my future there will be a happier day, and if I don't persevere, I might miss it. So here's hoping for a happier tomorrow - or even better, maybe a happier afternoon?