Connection Reflection

"A good friend is a connection to life – a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world."  – Lois Wyse


One of the greatest challenges we face as we travel the world in these vehicles of flesh and bone is that it is easy – too easy – to feel separate from every other being or thing that surrounds us. That is my personal definition of hell: when we forget that we are connected to all beings, all things. Conversely, I think heaven happens when we remember that glorious interconnection.

One of the biggest problem with the economic downturn is that it has created an unfathomable number of disconnects: people are being disconnected from their jobs, disconnected from their homes, disconnected from the wealth and security built throughout their careers. And when families and couples face economic hardship, they often disconnect from each other.

As I've mentioned before, when people lose their fortunes, however big or small, they often experience a sense of profound shame. That shame causes people to disconnect from the world and withdraw to a quiet corner where nobody can see what has happened to them. I am certainly guilty of doing just that.

It's easy to give in to the impulse to disconnect, especially due to the societal shifts that have occurred during the last few generations. Somewhere in the middle of the 20th century, we became the "Me Generation". I think it culminated right around the time George W. Bush was defending tax cuts for the rich by saying, "It's YOUR money! You should keep it". Those in control wanted to defuse the power that is created when people band together collectively for a common goal. They wanted us to believe that there were people different from us who were trying to steal what we had worked so hard to earn, and that we needed to cling to our own personal assets and distrust collectivism. It was a ruse that hurt the interests and needs of the common American – and unfortunately, it worked.

In these challenging economic times, we need to band together more than ever. Sadly, many of us have forgotten how.

A few generations ago, we lived in our front yards and on our front porches where we could easily interact with our neighbors. Now, safely ensconced in menacing SUVs, we drive into our homes from the back, or quickly pull our car into the garage and close the automatic door. The modern home design is set up like an island, separated from our neighbors, who in turn separate themselves from us. We grab our money from ATMs, we buy online, and automate our lives in ways that severely limit our interaction with other humans.

Every day, it becomes more and more apparent to me that the only way we will survive as a society is to find ways to reconnect.

First, we must start by reconnecting with ourselves. Between TV, internet, and cell phones that have evolved into mini portable computers, we are constantly bombarded with distractions that connect us to everything but our own selves! I have chosen meditation, yoga and journaling as a way to turn off the world for a little while each day. I seek out quiet moments when I can simply sit and think and be. You may find other techniques that work better for you, but I hope you'll find some way to take at least a few minutes each day to turn off the world and just listen to yourself.

Everything grows outward from your personal reconnect. Find ways to reconnect with your family. Start with one evening a week, and turn off all the electronic distraction devices. Spend time together. Play a game, talk, go for a family walk under the trees, eat a meal together.

From family, move toward a greater connection with your community. Find organizations that can help you while also allowing you to help others in need. Find groups that share common goals and dreams. If you can't find a group that suits your tastes and inclinations, create one!

This is the best time to make the shift toward connection, because one of the blessings the economic downturn has given many of is the gift of extra time. Much of my career, I worked, 60-, 70-, even 80-hour weeks. Nowadays, I could categorize my career as a part-time affair, but I've downsized my lifestyle and I'm OK with it.  Now that I'm in my 50s, I regard time as more precious than money, and I want to spend it wisely.

Be generous with your time. Be generous with yourself. Use some of your new-found spare time to connect with others. It will help you through your challenges - and it will help those around you, too.

“From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that we are here for the sake of each other - above all for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day I realize how much my own outer and inner life is built upon the labors of my fellow men, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received.” – Albert Einstein

Gulf Oil Leak Meter

'Nuff said.

Dealing With Financial Loss

A few weeks ago, I got a call from  friend, talented musician and heck of a nice guy David Holt. He needed the contact information for a mutual friend who had tragically lost his son a few months before. Having lost a daughter himself, David wanted to pass on some of the helpful techniques he discovered when he was overwhelmed with grief.

David compiled his advice in an article titled "Getting Through The Grief". David thoughtfully sent me a copy, too. I read it, thinking it might be of interest to me. After all, I was dealing with my own grief thanks to the loss of a marriage, my house, my nest egg, and much of the business that made me feel like a valuable, productive human being.

Granted, there's no way my level of grief comes anywhere close to how a parent must feel when they lose their own child. I had merely lost some material possessions and a little bit of pride. Nonetheless, as I had hoped, I found that David's article contained valuable information that helped me a great deal.

Here's some highlights:

Healing is not linear, but moves in a spiral. I was very sad and angry when I lost my house. I blamed the banksters. I blamed myself for falling prey to them. But a few months after settling into my new home, I was able to start focusing on the good things I still had, and thought less and less about the loss of the house. Still, there are occasions when something re-triggers those feelings of loss, and they come rushing back. When that happens, it can seem discouraging, as if I had regressed and would have to re-experience the entire mess again. I was grateful to have David remind me that this pattern was perfectly natural. Just knowing that eased the sting quite a bit. And it helps to know that when the grief wells up again, it's not as intense, nor does it last as long as it did originally.

You have two choices: moving on and working steadily towards recovery, or exacerbating your loss by heaping on worry, anxiety, blame, guilt and bitterness. David wrote that you actually need to make the conscious decision which way you want to go. I choose the former. But that does not mean that feelings of defeat and loss won't still percolate up from time to time. It means that you still deal with your feelings when they arise, but you don't let them consume you. And then, as the song goes: You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.

You can't handle it by yourself. There is still far too much shame associated with financial loss. That shame can prevent people from asking for help at the very time they need it the most. When you ask for help, you're allowing the people in your life to shine - and most of the time, that's exactly what they do. When you ask for help, vulnerable and scary as it may feel, you often end up discovering how much you are supported and loved!

My fiancee is more patient and understanding than I could ever have hoped - I am truly blessed. Still, I occasionally catch myself withholding my financial struggles because I fear sharing them will put a strain on our relationship. Actually, it's the opposite. Holding back is what puts a strain on the relationship. When I talk things out, I get the angst out of my system. Afterwards, everything looks rosier. My fiancee also feels better because she was able to help (which makes her feel good), and because talking about it results in having a more relaxed man around the house.

Anger is a natural by-product of grief. It's important to find healthy ways to relieve the pressure-cooker. One day, I heard a news report about the record profits my ex-mortgage bank was enjoying - the same bank that had practically forced me into bankruptcy. At the time, I wanted to put the bank's logo on a pillow and punch it until I was blue in the face. Instead, I held back. Later that day, a woman stole my parking space at the grocery store. I went ballistic, yelling at her at the top of my lungs. It scared my daughter, annoyed my fiancee and left me frazzled for hours afterward. I should have punched that pillow!

Walk - Observe nature. David emphasizes, "I didn't say exercise, I said walk!" Even if getting outside is a struggle and merely feels like you're going through the motions, it's important to do. Get out and smell the breeze, feel the warmth of the sun, listen to the birds.

Last year at this time, money was especially tight and business was especially slow. Staring at my balance sheet was making me queasy. I felt like I needed to park myself next to the computer and wait for the phone to ring, but that made me even more miserable. So I picked up my camera, went outside and took close-up pictures of every plant that was blooming. I became overwhelmed with the abundance of life around me, and the knot in my stomach dissipated.

Relieve stress. When I worry about finances, my business, etc., the tension goes straight into my shoulders. It's gotten so bad recently that I started to feel pain and numbness from my shoulder all the way to my hand - the same hand I need to push a computer mouse around to make a living - or relax myself by playing fiddle. A few months ago, I started taking a yoga class. It's amazing how much yoga has helped me relieve tension, improve my posture and feel better in general. After yoga, I feel better equipped to deal with work and financial issues.

Last year, a well-intentioned doctor recommended anti-depressants to combat the uncomfortable feelings brought on by financial loss. Luckily, I chose meditation instead. It's done wonders for my mood, and has absolutely no side effects.

No matter what mode works for you, if you're dealing with loss, find some way to move your body and quiet your mind - and do it daily.

Get plenty of rest - eat the right foods. Funny, that's the same advice you get when you're fighting a case of the flu - and rightly so. If you're struggling financially, you are in combat with a stressful situation that will eventually make you sick if you don't stay healthy and try to relax as often as possible.

Things will get better. When I moved out of the house I had lost, I felt pretty despondent. The tiny house I moved into with my fiancee and her daughter initially gave me claustrophobia. It felt like the mother of all downgrades. Slowly, the house has grown on me - we've been adding a little more garden each year, and the more labor I put into the place, the more it feels like I belong. Though it is still the same size, our home actually feels more spacious to me than it did a year ago. Things do get better!

Many thanks to David Holt for sharing his "Grief Road Map". If you want to read the entire article, you can download it here in PDF format. Also check out David Holt's website - and you might enjoy David's TED Talk.

Why Future Prosperity Depends on More Socializing - an article by Bill McKibben

Why Future Prosperity Depends on More Socializing

Access to cheap energy made us rich, wrecked our climate and left us lonely, explains Bill McKibben.

Excerpted from the book EAARTH: Making a Life on a Tough New Planet by Bill McKibben.

CLICK HERE TO READ ARTICLE

I'm Not Down, So Don't Count Me Out!

Today, an article appeared in Asheville's local free paper titled "Down And Out in Asheville". I was a bit disappointed in the tone of the article – especially since I am one of the people featured in it.

I am anything but "Down And Out"! And I'd hate for my interview to be construed as a whine-fest about my personal challenges.

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I was torn about doing the interview. There's so much shame involved when people are faced with financial problems. I inherited a lot of that shame from my family, who to this day think the topic of money is their biggest taboo.

I did the interview because I strongly believe that if everyone refuses to talk about financial problems, those suffering from them will be in greater despair because they'll feel like they're the only ones in trouble. But if we have the courage to come out of the shadows and share our stories, we can better help each other find hope – as well as solutions.

I think in general, the article is helpful because it challenges the media claims that the economy is turning around (maybe the economy has rebounded for the richest among us, but not for the common American). And the article offers a little piece of hope at the end, including a cursory listing of some of the social services available in Wester North Carolina.

My hope is that the Mountain XPress follows up with future articles that offer additional tools and resources for people in economic need.

It's important to realize that people need much more than financial assistance:

People need to feel like they are still valuable members of society. It's tough to feel valuable when you're having trouble finding employment - and not just any employment, but employment suited to their talents and abilities. If you have a masters degree and you're serving macchiatos at the local coffee shack, you're not going to feel very fulfilled.

People need emotional assistance. When you've lost a home, a job, a lifestyle, it's difficult to be grateful for what you have. But that's exactly what we need to do: live in the moment and notice the people and things around us that bring us joy. After I lost my home and much of my business, it was easy to pace around the house and fret. At first, I had to force myself to go outside and sit in a chair, even if just for 10 minutes. After listening to the birds, feeling the sun warm my face, I felt better. It's now part of my daily practice, and I find that I worry a lot less these days.

People need to figure out how to adapt. As I mentioned in the the Mountain XPress article, I have a lot of spare time on my hands. Part of my challenge has been to enjoy the spare time without wasting it by fretting - and also to use some of that time wisely to find new ways to put my talent to use.

I am lucky that I can still call myself a graphic designer. I still have loyal clients who value what I do. However, the digital age is forcing me to change the kind of work I do. I may not need to find a completely different career, but I need to make some drastic changes in the way I work. That means transitioning from expert back to novice, and learning new technologies. Taking such a retrograde step sometimes feels like a disappointment. So when I feel daunted, I have to remind myself that my value comes not from my expertise, but from ability to adapt and learn new tricks when required.

So even though the Mountain XPress article focused more on the negative aspects of my town's financial challenges than I would have liked, I think it's a good first step. I hope it leads to more conversations that help lead us out of the selfish, consumerist fog we've lived in for decades, and back to a greater sense of community and toward a new paradigm for prosperity.

Bees and Sunny Peaks

My friend  Sister J came over yesterday to elicit my help in a project she was working on. She is the director of The Honeybee Project, a children's educational endeavor devoted to the integral role the honey bee plays in our lives.

Sister J is passionate about the honey bee, and gets how this insect is connected to many aspects of our lives. We rely on it for sustenance, for the propagation of plant life, for its societal intelligence. Knowing the honey bee more intimately may impact our own survival. Sister J sees the lessons of the honeybee as a valuable tool that children can not only learn from, but can contribute to. She truly believes that given the right venue, interaction with the honey bee can help kids find their own connection to this vast world and choose their part in making it a better place. All that from a tiny little honey bee!

Sister J described her dream for this experiential learning model, and it was so vast and expansive that it scared the bejeebers out of me! How could I possibly help her with a goal of this magnitude? I'm a mere mortal graphic designer – the online interactive aspect of her vision alone required information technology, child psychology, Flash and database programming, art direction, creative direction – all of which would require a massive amount of resources.

As Sister J darted around the topic, describing feature after feature, my mind made the assumption that she wanted to heap all the project's responsibilities on my shoulders - somehow, I had mistakenly inferred all this from her simple, open-ended request for help. The mind can be a quirky beast sometimes! The project started to feel weighty and oppressive, and I went into overwhelm mode. I felt incapable of helping with a project of this scale, and I sought an escape hatch.

I immediately began doing what I do best: criticizing. As Sister J drew from inspiration, I fed on desperation. My mind began dissecting the project, happily revealing all the flaws and pitfalls:

An online site for kids? There will be child predators! Video content? Adobe and Apple are at war and there is no one video format that is truly universal. Honey bees? What about Colony Collapse Disorder? Aren't their days numbered? And if that is so, humankind's days are numbered, too! The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

As I rattled off my laundry list of perils, Sister J stopped me, saying something like "Let's forget about all that for the time being and let's just move on to the actual project." In essence, she was saying, "That's a lot of negative stuff. Let's look at the positives for awhile. Let's dream instead of panic. Let's explore sunny peaks instead of dark caves!"

We started to explore. We moved to the computer, and Sister J showed me The Honeybee Project website, and talked about how she wanted to take it to the next level. She spoke of the kind of visuals that would attract children to the project. She knew it had to include motion. I Googled up some innovative Flash-based websites to see what we can find.

"That's the kind of thing I want!" she exclaimed. We combed through some of the most innovative Flash websites, and had found the site for the "Got Milk?" campaign, which was full of whimsical displays and interactive games. "That's it! That's what I want!" she reiterated.

My mind returned to the cave. The scope of her vision would require the most inventive ad agency, an entertainment company the likes of Dreamworks - we're talking high-level stuff! Pie in the sky! Not even remotely possible!

I thought that mentioning the potential cost would bring Sister J back down to earth. "You know that something at this level of sophistication and scale will cost in the realm of tens of thousands of dollars, if not hundreds of thousands", I said.

Sister J didn't bat an eye. "Oh, of course - I was expecting hundreds of thousands", she replied. That startled me. What I saw as a roadblock, she saw as an easily surmountable hurdle. Sister J's positive passion was infectious.

Then something shifted for me. Instead of making another bee-line to the cave of "can't-do", I allowed myself to simply be open to the possibilities.

I realized that Sister J wasn't asking me to take on the entire project; she was merely asking me to go exploring with her for awhile. All I had to do is to leave the dark caves behind and spend a little time checking out some sunny peaks with her. We drifted around the internet together, and I remembered an organization I admired whose mission was to bring grand ideas to fruition: TED.

TED's motto is "Ideas Worth Spreading". They host a huge annual conference which attracts the best and brightest speakers from across the globe: thinkers, artists, scientists, athletes, dreamers, you name it. The TED organization also awards grants for people who want to change the world with their ideas.

I showed Sister J the TED website and we watched a few videos of the lectures that TED hosts. As it turns out, her project had already generated some serious interest from an innovative design firm called Ideo. We found a TED lecture given by Ideo's founder. The connections were starting to fuse together.

Suddenly, it was Sister J's turn to visit the realm of doubt. "Does this mean that I have to give a presentation in front of a big audience to get the funding for my project?" she gasped. "Public speaking is the last thing I want to do!"

In an unexpected role reversal, I became the encouraging visionary. I could picture Sister J on that stage, pitching the wonders of the honey bee. I knew if she could demonstrate the same passion she showed me, she would be unstoppable. I gently asked, "You love the honey bee, don'tcha? You would swallow your fear and do it for the bee, wouldn'tcha?" Sister J's eyes welled up with tears. She told me that she would definitely do what it takes to make the honey bee project happen, and thanked me for introducing her to the TED organization.

Turning back toward the realm of possibilities, Sister J said, "I just have to remember that everything is doable." Another huge roadblock had been transformed into a little hurdle.

After Sister J left, I recalled a few other times in my life when I found myself at a critical crossroads, mired in doubt and negativity. On both occasions, Jennifer, (a friend I've known since high school), was with me. Both times, Jennifer saw that I was at a crucial turning point. And both times, Jen pointed me in a different direction, saying, "Look over there! Look at the possibilities over there!" In essence, she was saying the same thing that Sister J told me: "Stop rooting around in that dark cave and check out that sunny peak over there!"

To this day, Jennifer doesn't think she did all that much for me, but I'm convinced she saved my life by coaxing me out of the cave and prodding me to explore some of the passions that have made my life worth living. (Had it not been for Jennifer, I may have never flown a hang glider nor played a fiddle.) I realized that I had helped out Sister J after all. Maybe, I had even pointed her in the direction she needed to go next?

Most of my life, I've been a dark cave explorer. A few years ago when I co-hosted a radio show, my broadcasts often focused on the pitfalls of our society. I was good at revealing connections between problems, crimes, corruption and malfeasance. On my Facebook page, I still post frequent links to news articles that suggest the world is going to hell in a hand basket. Finding problems is easy – but it's getting tedious.

If I'm going to survive the crossroads where I find myself today, I need to make the shift from exploring the dark caves to exploring the sunny peaks. I need to stop dwelling on problems and start searching for solutions. I want to be inspired, fueled and driven by positive ideas, hopes and dreams - and have fun along every step of the way!

Sometimes, it seems like a big shift to make. But if I could shift my thinking so quickly during an afternoon's visit with Sister J, maybe it won't be that difficult to learn how to embrace vision and positive thinking, and explore the sunny peaks on a permanent basis?

I'm Poor, Hear Me Roar

I created this blog so that I could share some of my experiences as I adjust to the financial changes in my life. I hope that by talking openly about the challenges of downsizing, it might help others who are going through or about to go through the same challenges.

I also hope that by writing this blog, I'll help myself: it's cathartic to share my thoughts and feelings in this forum.  I also hope to connect with people going through similar struggles so we don't have to feel so alone in this mess: if we can find each other, we can come together and help each other.

This week offered me an opportunity to tell my story to a wider audience. I learned that the Mountain Xpress, Asheville's local free paper, was looking for people to talk about how the economic downturn has affected them.

It seemed like a natural enough thing for me to do – after all, here I am baring my fiscal soul on Rich Richard's Almanac. But as I considered being interviewed for the Mountain XPress article, I felt some hesitation. Shame was creeping into the pit of my stomach.

It's one thing to share my stories on this blog. It's a relatively new blog that probably hasn't yet been discovered by many people. And, I don't really keep track of the readership, so I couldn't tell you whether this blog is visited by ten or a thousand people. That blissful ignorance makes it easier for me to share my information more openly in this forum.

The Mountain XPress is a different matter. It's a popular local paper, and the article will definitely be seen by most of my friends and colleagues, as well as thousands of people I don't know. How will they react?

Will some folks view my financial downturn as a reflection of the quality of the work I do and avoid doing business with me? Will friends think less of me? Will acquaintances look at me differently when they see me walking down the street? My parents grew up during the Great Depression. To them, falling from financial grace was about the worst social affliction that could happen to a person – a status blemish that should be covered up and kept private at all costs.

Naturally, some of my parents' shame about financial status was passed on to me. The subject of money was so tabboo that we never spoke about it when I was growing up. Consequently, I never learned how to manage my finances until I attended the school of hard knocks. I wish someone had taught me about money, about how to handle having it - and not having it.

If I truly believe in my reasons for founding this blog, then I have no choice but to continue to speak out. Really, the only thing that gets me into trouble is when fear or shame prevents me from speaking my mind. I want to break the chain I inherited from my parents, and not be afraid to talk about money.

The other reason I felt compelled to tell my story is to counteract some of the misleading economic happy talk that the mainstream media has been feeding us lately. The largest news outlets boast that the Dow-Jones has topped 11,000 (as if the stock market's performance has anything to do with the financial state of the average American), and that unemployment is waning. However, the larger media outlets are conspicuously quiet when Elizabeth Warren reports that there's no end in sight to the foreclosure problem. Maybe the stories of recovery sound rosy on the evening news, but I don't trust them yet. In my day-to-day life, I see too many of my friends and neighbors suffering still.

I agreed to be interviewed for the Mountain XPress article.

Understandably, the staff writer I spoke with told me that he was having trouble finding people who are willing to talk about their financial struggles on the record. I hope that by speaking out myself, others might feel more comfortable doing the same. If you live in the Asheville area and you want to speak to the Mountain XPress about how the downturn has affected you, email me and I'll put you in touch with the staff writer who is working on the article.

There's no shame in losing out to the corrupt bankers and financial manipulators who are causing so much suffering in our country today. Unless you are the laziest, least motivated bum on the planet, it's probably not your fault. Millions are losing their jobs, losing their homes, losing their nest eggs, losing their pensions — not because they refuse to be self-sufficient, but because their jobs were moved overseas, because they suffered a major medical illness, because their mutual fund was destroyed by the infusion of worthless credit default swaps. Every one of these people would jump at the chance to restore their status as financially-stable, valuable, hard-working members of society.

I have never been afraid to dedicate long work weeks and focused attention to make my own success. I started my business on the West Coast in 1987, and survived the recession of the 1990s, earthquakes and even riots (during the Rodney King riots, it was too dangerous for me to go to my office). Throughout those calamities, I found ways to adapt. And I'm adapting now – though this time around, the downturn has demanded bigger changes than I've ever had to make before.

I know there are many others out there just like me: willing to make the tough changes necessary to adapt to the changing economy, wanting to make the right changes, wondering what those changes should be, others willing to stumble and fall, pick themselves up, and try again.

Our recovery and salvation may depend on people willing to speak the truth about their financial troubles. People who are struggling need to know they are not alone. They need to hear from other people like them who are simply trying to find their way, who are willing to help by sharing their struggles was well as their successes.