The Experiment - Day 6

This is Day 6 of the Experiment (where my 10-year-old daughter Rebecca gives me tasks I must complete.

Yesterday was the first day that I didn't complete one of the tasks. The first task was to take a mile-long walk, one that I've taken many times. I was doubled over in pain most of the day, and could not manage to break away from the house to do it. Today, I've also been assigned a walk, albeit a shorter one. I'm still not feeling great, but I hope to be able to accomplish this one today. If it doesn't stop raining, I suppose I will have to put on my rain coat and go. (Yes, you sense mild resistance - I'm still not feeling very well physically, and would rather curl up in a ball.)

I am proud to say I did learn something new yesterday - a few things, actually. I found a website called Learn Something Every Day, where I learned that we burn more calories sleeping than we do watching TV and that ostriches don't ever stick their heads in the sand. But my favorite factoid was that most toilets flush in the key of E. That of course spurred investigation on my part. I took my trusty electronic tuner into the bathroom and discovered that our toilet actually flushes in B flat and refills in C#. I told a friend who is a plumber, and he envisioned showing up for a job with a tuning fork, and saying, "Well, Ma'am, here's the problem. Your toilet should be flushing in E, but it's flushing slightly higher, in F. Retuning your bowl will be a major job - I'm afraid this is gonna cost you!" This task offered more amusement than I had expected!

Since I didn't complete Task 1, I made sure I completed yesterday's extra task of sketching in my sketchbook. However, I have been sketching the way I always used to, by creating a cartoon-style journal of my life - how I feel, train of thought, whims and such. I guess that approach was less whimsical and more empirical than Rebecca had in mind, so she has clarified the parameters of this task (see today's Task 3).

Here's the list of today's tasks:

1. Create a cool craft project. Have fun and be creative. Do something you didn't think you could do. It's a rainy Saturday, and as I said, I don't feel well. Do I have time for this? Do I have the energy for this? I also have to do some accounting and design work to catch up on. Look out - here comes the Excuse Express. Whooo-whooooooo! Maybe the problem is that when I hear the word "project", I envision something that will take days to do. I need to scale back and make this achievable. But what can I do that I currently don't think I can do? Careful - don't fall back into excuses!
2. Walk the small loop around our house (a much shorter route than was delegated yesterday). I can do this.
3. Doodle. Don't draw real things. Start with a line, and then another add a circle, etc. Keep it abstract.

I'll let you know tomorrow how I did!

The Experiment - Day 5

This is Day 5 of my Experiment (where my 10-year-old daughter Rebecca gives me tasks I must complete).

Yesterday was busy, but I did get my two main tasks completed (I did not complete the bonus task of sketching).

Task 1 was to do something I've never done before or haven't done for a long time. I really wanted to challenge myself and not take the easy way out.

After discarding a few mundane ideas, I thought about how I have been working (on and off), on paying more attention to others. So I gave myself this task: Have a conversation without talking about myself (unless someone asks a direct question about me, in which case I need to keep my response brief and to the point).

This is no easy task, since I naturally tend toward narcissism (those of you who know me well may consider this to be the understatement of the year).

Yesterday, I got my chance: I walked into my fiancee Beth's office, where one of her friends (let's call her "A"), was in the middle of demonstrating some very interesting Trauma Release Exercises (TREs). The first thing I did was wish "A" a Happy Birthday. They then included me in the conversation as "A" demonstrated some of the exercises. I did well at the beginning, and asked lots of questions about the process. More than a few times, I caught myself eager to interject, and had to cut myself off as I said "I...". One remark was directed at me, and I responded briefly, allowing the spotlight to shift right back to "A".

I had not mentioned to Beth that I would aspire to behave differently in this conversation. However, after I told her what I was up to, Beth remarked that she had already noticed something different about how I interacted with the two of them!  I noticed that during the discussion, I felt a stronger connection to "A", and that she seemed to come alive as I listened attentively. I want to make this a regular practice until it comes naturally!

Yesterday's Task 2 was fairly simple - make an entry in my Gratitude Journal. Last Thanksgiving, Beth gifted Rebecca and I with Gratitude Journals. I used mine for a day or two before shelving it. To her credit, young Rebecca has since kept her journal religiously, writing in it each night before bed. It only takes a few seconds to write an entry - why am I not doing this on a daily basis?? (My entry is here on the right.)

Here are today's tasks:

1. Go for a morning walk on our usual loop, which is a little more than a mile. I would have gone already, but this special diet is still messing with me a fair amount, so I'm going to have to wait until my innards settle down - but given this wonderful, cool Fall weather, any time of the day will be perfect for walking.
   
2. Learn something today. It could be a new word in Spanish, or something about science or outerspace - just nothing about the economy or government (in essence, stay away from depressing current events). This task is so easy that I will endeavor to learn a couple new things today - in fact, I already have!
   
3. Extra - Sketch in your sketchbook. (I didn't get the chance to do that yesterday - I WILL make time today!)

As usual, I'll let you know about today's progress in tomorrow's post.

The Experiment - Day 4

Despite my initial overwhelmed feelings, Day 3 of my Experiment (where my 10-year-old daughter Rebecca gives me tasks I must complete), went swimmingly well, even though I felt poorly most of the day. My guts have been in a scramble - probably detoxing due to the special diet I'm on, so it was a little difficult at first to spread out a picnic blanket and eat lunch under the butterfly bush - but once I was there, it was very relaxing!

There wasn't a cloud in the sky, so I couldn't look at those. But there were little butterflies - or were they moths? - chasing each other around as they sapped the last bit of nectar from the remaining blossoms on the butterfly bush. I felt the urge to determine what these insects were - but I remembered that the spirit of Rebecca's directive was to avoid hyper-analyzing the things I noticed, and just enjoy them. So I stopped wondering about genus and species and simply watched the winged creatures flit about. Ahhhhh.

I ate my lunch slowly and savored the wonderful flavors. I listened to all the late Summer crickets - one of my favorite sounds - and savored them, too. Fall weather will arrive all too soon and the crickets will be silent until next year.

Sketching went well, too. Many decades ago, I kept a daily cartoon sketchbook, but fell out of the practice. I mostly focused on my aching guts, but that's not a bad thing - keeping a sketchbook is a great way to pour frustrations onto the page so I can release them internally. And it's also a good place to record notions, inspirations and ideas for later use. Rebecca is recommending I keep up this practice - daily, if I can. After all these decades of relying on the computer mouse, I'm encouraged that I can still draw a little bit!

The "extra credit" assignment was to play my fiddle for 30 minutes - and lucky for me, Rebecca confirmed that my band rehearsal did count as fulfilling that task! 

Rebecca was a little concerned that I had to work an hour later yesterday evening. She incorrectly assumed her tasks were the culprit, but really, it was due to the band rehearsal that cut into my work day. She has also expressed trepidation about how I may react to her suggested tasks - she wants me to be delighted throughout the process.

We had a chat, and I think I was able to convince her that the tasks she creates are great - and that it's natural for me to feel some initial resistance to a few of them. Mostly, my resistance percolates during the period leading up to the moment I finally get off my hind end to address the task. Once I get started, however, I end up thoroughly enjoying the experience. Rebecca said it's like her resistance to showering. She drags her heels beforehand, but once she's under the warm spray of water, she feels great. That analogy helped her understand my process regarding her tasks, and that any resistance I exhibit is no reflection on her amazing, insightful assistance.

Speaking of initial resistance, here's my directives for Day 4:

1. Do something I've never done before or haven't done in a long time. Whoa! The open-endedness of this task gives me pause. I caught myself thinking that whatever I do will feel uncomfortable because it's new or something I'm unaccustomed to doing. Unfamiliarity! So what do I choose? Rebecca is suggesting I dance, but I'm still feeling a bit touchy internally, so dancing might be problematic. I could pull out my harmonicas and play them - I haven't done that in decades. But that's something I used to do regularly - it won't really take me outside myself. Hmmm. I'm still ruminating... but the fact that it's a challenge means it's gonna be a good one!
   
2. Write in your gratitude journal. Another thing I used to do frequently that I no longer keep up. Hey, could that count as fulfilling #1? Something tells me Rebecca would see that as cheating a bit.
   
3. Extra - sketch some more! 

As usual, I'll let you know tomorrow how today's tasks go.

The Experiment - Day 3

It's experiment day 3, and I think I did OK yesterday.

I played my fiddle for 30 minutes, but I did so in spurts, not contiguously. It appears that Rebecca already knows the meaning of the word "contiguously" and is now adding the word "consecutive" to today's tasks. And she's correct to do so - dedicating an uninterrupted slot of time for a task will allow for focus and relaxation, rather approaching tasks in fits and starts.

Yesterday, I also completed the task of finding the image of a flower and treating it like a meditation mandala. I found a couple good flowers, actually. The first was a closeup of a coneflower, and I let myself get lost in its fibonacci spirals. I also found an amazing closeup of a rose by illustrator Eibo-Jeddah  - the center seemed like a velvety, welcoming cave, and I imagined myself Lilliputian-sized, climbing into the cool, dark, sweetness of it and being sheltered from all my worries and cares.

And, I was correct in assuming that the "Believe In Yourself" message was also one of the tasks I need to complete. I think that one will require ongoing dedication.

Onto today!

1. Eat your lunch outside on a blanket on the grass. Relax. Watch the sky. Eat lunch SLOWLY - no scarfing (dang, that young lady pays closer attention to what I do than I realize!)
2. Sketch for 20 consecutive minutes. (These days, I use pens and pencils so seldom that when I do, it looks like I'm writing with my non-dominant hand. This will be interesting!)
3. EXTRA - Play fiddle for 30 consecutive minutes!

I have to admit, I already feel overwhelmed. I have a fair amount of paying work to accomplish today (I am grateful for the work, but it must get done). I also have a band rehearsal mid-afternoon. I'm on a special diet (the GAPS diet), which is most beneficial most days, but this is one of those rough-and-tumble detox days, which is taking a lot out of me. I know, I'm not allowed to whine about the tasks Rebecca gives me. And I know this is an iffy hedge by instead complaining about all the other stuff I must do today.

And I know that the tasks Rebecca has given me will make the day feel more magical and fulfilling - and will relieve some of my stress. Why do I always fret at the anticipation of a to-do list? If Rebecca weren't in school, she would tell me, "Just breathe and get started. It will all work out."

The Experiment - Day 2

Today is day 2 of a week when my daughter Rebecca provides me with daily tasks that I must perform (see yesterday's post). I'm happy to report that I completed yesterday's tasks:

I spent about a half hour at the fish pond. The first 10 minutes were spent clearing away the cover of these little micro water plants so I could see the fish. At first, they were excited to get some sunlight. They sucked away at the edge of the pond, happy to have some nutrients stirred up. They then settled down and idly swam about, disappearing under the water plants and reappearing again. I decided to go get my camera to document their activity. Once the lens was pointed at them, they got more timid. It must have looked like a giant owl's eye to them, so they kept their distance.

Being out there with the fish helped me slow down, and I also enjoyed watching the butterflies and bees working the sedum blooms next to the pond. It's amazing that a few minutes outdoors with nature can be so therapeutic!

I went to the used book store and swapped some of my older books for new ones. I scoured the Literature section, but most of the books I was drawn to weren't thematically "dreadful", (as Rebecca cautioned against), but they weren't the antithesis of dreadful, either.

I picked up a Larry McMurtry novel about Billy the Kid, which doesn't end well. Then Mark Twain's "Roughing It", which isn't exactly fiction. So I went to the best-seller section and found a book that I think meets the spirit of Rebecca's intention: Tom Holt's "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Sausages". The chuckles started with the title, continued with the synopsis on the back and the first few pages of the book!

I decided for myself that I should also consider all my online reading, so for the next week, I will try to avoid dreadful articles on the internet. I've already succumbed to a few, but I will at least make the effort to read less of them - and forget about the dreadful behavior of Rick Perry, Serena Williams, et al.

Now for today's tasks:

I woke up at 5am with bad allergies today, so Rebecca was accordingly merciful with her list. I shouldn't have any trouble playing my fiddle for 30 minutes. And while I play, I'll remind myself that I'm pretty good at it, rather than focus on the flaws in my playing.

Task #2 should be fun, too. I'll imagine myself being swirled into the Fibonacci vortex of a rose, or cascading into the folds of a Georgia O'Keefe painting. I'll bet it smells good deep down in there!

And Rebecca probably didn't intend for this to be a task, but I think I'll take to heart the pre-printed text at the top of the paper that says "Believe In Yourself". Perhaps I'll meditate on that concept a bit!

And I'll read more of my new novel for a few more yuks.

I'll tell you tomorrow how today's tasks went!

The Experiment

Admittedly, I have not been doing a very good job at embracing the elements and practices in my life that will help me feel prosperous and surrounded by abundance. Instead, I have been focusing on lack and desperation which has left me feeling withdrawn, morose, and stressed as all get-out.

I've been edgy and withdrawn, and my daughter especially senses how unapproachable I am. I know enough about kids to realize that when a parent is having trouble, kids naturally assume it's their fault. The last thing I want is for Rebecca to think that my ill temper and withdrawal has anything to do with some shortcoming on her part.

So to recap:

1. I'm not doing a very good job of taking care of my emotional health.
2. More often than not, I've been emotionally unavailable - and grumpy - towards my daughter.
3. I want to remedy both of these situations.

Yesterday, I thought of an experiment that might help me personally as well as bring Rebecca and I closer together:

I have asked Rebecca if, for the next 7 days, she would be willing to provide me with daily suggestions and tasks that I must perform - starting today. She is an amazing being - sentient, intuitive, and sharp beyond her years. I have full confidence that she will create thoughtful tasks and not take advantage of the situation. She has agreed to help.

We've left the nuts and bolts of the experiment fairly open. So far, there are only a couple ground rules: I'm not allowed to whine or complain about whatever task she gives me, unless she concocts something completely unreasonable (and as I said, I don't think this will be an issue). I will report back to her each day and let her know how it went. Rebecca has agreed that I can report back on this blog, as well.

I've posted today's tasks as they have been provided to me.

1. Go to the fish pond and watch how the fish live their lives in peace and quiet. Observe the simple things they do. (Rebecca did not stipulate a time limit on this one, but I figure I should give it at least 15 minutes. I'll have to thin out some of the plants covering the surface so I can actually see the fish, but we've been meaning to do that anyway.)
2. Over this week, try to read a fiction book that doesn't have to do with something dreadful. (I guess that means I need to temporarily put aside "A Good Year To Die", which is an amazingly thorough recount of the US campaign to massacre the Sioux people. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that book sounds like it fits Rebecca's definition of "dreadful".)
3. Give Rebecca a hug before and after school. (I do this most of the time, but I will make sure I do this ALL of the time.)

Tomorrow, I will post my progress on these tasks, as well as include Rebecca's new task list for the day.

Wish me luck!

Has A Year Gone By Already?

Wow - it's been 51 weeks since I've posted anything on this blog. And it's been a tough 51 weeks.

A year ago, I had downsized dramatically from the life I once had. I thought all that was left to do would be to adjust to my new, diminished standard of living. Forget about the expensive toys, and savor the simple things. A year ago, I thought "I can do that."

If only it were that easy. Another of my clients has gone out of business, and my incredibly shrinking finances have continued shambling down Destitution Lane, to the point where I don't know if I will be able to continue to pay my bills.

The worst part about my situation is the physical stress. It lodges like a knot in my stomach and affects me physically. It adds to my confusion. I know I need to do something different, but what? Put on an orange vest and go work at a big box hardware store? Go play my fiddle on the street for coins? Go back to school - and if so, to do what?

I chose graphic design 30 years ago. I studied it, built a career doing it. Poof! It's all but gone. One of the guys I went to school with had a prosperous design business with his wife - they're gluten-free bakers now. Another colleague is barely meeting business expenses, and is trying to get a non-profit off the ground.

The most productive thing in my life these days are our half dozen chickens, who lay 5-6 eggs per day. But a couple dozen eggs per week doesn't pay the bills.

People tell me to be grateful, to dream big, to find hope, to seek solutions that will help me climb out of this morass. Easy to say.

When I started this blog, I swore I would keep it upbeat, focus on solutions, help others in the same predicament. Not today. Today I give in to despair. Maybe tomorrow I can do all that enlightened stuff?